Haus M.D. Premier
A Pepsi commercial between programs.... A Pepsi vending bot walks by a Coke vending machine. The Coke vending machine seems to perk up but try as it might, it can't get up and chase after the Pepsi Vending bot. "Pepsi, it's got pep, see?" The coke machine slumps. A warm but serious sounding voice speaks while the KNUJ logo spins: "And now, KNUJ proudly presents the premier of Haus M.D." The scene opens on a panning view of a classroom of people wearing black. Leotards, slacks, turtlenecks, t-shirts and lots of berets. Their faces are painted white and they all seem to be playing charades. As if you couldn't already guess, the shot settles on a sign posted on the open door leading to a hallway which reads: Pantomime Class In Session. Quiet Please. One mime in particular stands out, just strolling around the rest with a very appraising gaze. He stops to study one student at work pretending to charm a snake. The head-mime raises a hand to signal the student to stop. He then shakes his head and acts out what the student was doing with obvious disapproval. It seems the student was blowing... to play their invisible flute. The teacher then mock points and silently laughs at the student. The other students join in. The student looks genuinely mad and makes a rude gesture. The teacher headshakes and then clutches his chest under his neck. He keels forward bending over himself. He then stumbles and falls to the floor. The class nod in approval of the display. After a moment of not moving, the class take the teachers antics as a dismisal and vacate. One returns seconds later to grab a forgotten bottle of water, now able to break silence she says, "See you next class, Franky." She starts to walk out but notices she got no response. She turns back to look again. She approaches and shakes the teacher, unresponsive. "... Francois?" Edgy music starts up, the title credits roll to a background of a series of X-rays. 'Haus M.D.' A hand with 6 fingers... 'Starring Monstereo' A peg leg... 'Liza Einstein' A skull with a cigar in the mouth... 'Omy Goodness' A bedpan with a toy boat in it... 'Billy Jim Bob' An inflated latex glove floating on a string... 'Jennifer Lessisin' A torso with a goldfish swimming around in the stomach... 'Jessie Willy' A bagpipe with syringes stabbed into it... 'Created by Lab-Brat' A medicine bottle with an explosive warning icon. We cut to the inside of a doctors office. We know this because of the odd window-wall architecture showing hospital activity out in the hall and the generic medical degree looking papers framed on the wall. Behind the desk sits a Junkion. A name plate conveiniently shows his name to be 'Haus M.D.' He's sitting in a chair with his feet up on his desk, twirling a Globe Trotters style basketball. Hard at work. A human doctor wearing a lab coat so you know he's a doctor leans in the doorway and says, "Haus buddy old pal, got a minute?" His nametag in big enough letters to read states: Hello, My Name Is Dr Spalding. Haus twirls the ball on a finger. "Sure, jerkface. I can spare a minute for you." He tosses the ball to the doctor who sighs as if he's used to being addressed that way. "Cordial as ever, we are blessed. I have this case..." Haus interrupts, "Call a locksmith." Spalding carries on, "An unexplainable collapse victim." Haus mock snores, "Bo-ring." Spalding continues, "Age 34, French immigrant, no history of illness in family, no prior symptoms..." Haus interrupts again, "Let a nurse put a bandaid on it, that's what they're for." Spalding continues with a more tempting tone, "And he's a mime." Spalding tosses the ball back to Haus. Haus catches it, silent. He drops his feet to the floor. "That's more like it." Cut to Haus strolling down a generic hallway, thank goodness for the ridiculously high ceiling and wide spaced hall walls, with generic hospital employees and patients all hanging out. Nobody uses rooms? A woman in a smart business suit and dress leaps out at Haus from nowhere, weilding a dagger. "Ha! You can't duck out of putting in working hours like everyone else this time, Haus. I don't pay you to golf." Hause stops and looks nonchalantly at her, "I'm over educated to be saving colons from Brittney dolls and sewing ears back on rugby players, Dr Buddy." Dr Buddy scowls, "I'll fire you." Haus smirks, "You can't fire me, there's already too much tension in this relationship." He walks past her as she stands there fuming but defeated. Haus walks into a lounge where three doctors are playing hopscotch and gambling. A handsome young thick accented Scotsman with a nametag reading 'Dr Hyde', a diminuative young woman wearing a golden headband in her hair like a halo and a nametag reading 'Dr Camerashy', and a tall no-nonsense black man with an air of unspoken superiority over the other two wearing a name tag reading 'Dr Aftman'. Haus speaks loudly, "Alright kids, playtime's over. Camerashy's going to lose to keep the peace with you other two anyway. We've got a case." Dr. Hyde approaches first looking at the file Haus drops on a table before them. "Why in god's name arrrrrre we taking this case?" Yes, he rolls his R's. Haus asks, "Why, your work visa about to expire?" Dr Camerashy approaches and says, "Mimes are people too you guys, come on." Haus gives a quippy reply, "As long as they don't get the vote. We dropped the ball when it came to you women, we're not going to make the same mistake twice." Dr Aftman doesn't even look at the file, hands in pockets, "Haus you always do this. You take the most obscure cases for the sake of laughs, and nobody ever laughs with you. You're just a sad little man. Besides, this one's easy. The patient is constipated." Haus turns to Aftman and says, "Well gee, you being the best proctologist in the world and all, you must be right... Nevermind that it's never constipation. Try again, dummies. And go break into his house. I want you to go through all his things and report back on what you find... and lay off raiding the patients liqour this time. You don't want to get busted passed out again." Haus takes out a can of nuts and opens it. The team of doctors all give Haus a disgusted look. Dr Camerashy says, "Not again Haus. You're hooked on those. You need help. You have to stop." Haus headshakes. "Nope. Mine. Go away." He turns around to show a monkey literally on his back living in a perch gap between the Junkion's shoulder tires. The can of nuts is passed to the monkey who devours them hungerly and then whoops in a surley manner. "I'll be on the third floor hitting on maternity patients. We know they like to have fun." With that, the doctors are set to actually do their jobs, go figure. They look into it more seriously while Haus goes to visit the mime in his room. The mime looks up from reading a knitting patterns magazine. "You Haus?" Haus pulls up a chair and sits. "You suck, mime boy. Gimme back my loose change." The mime rolls his eyes, "What's wrong with me? I hurt inside and nobody has told me why." Haus says with zero bedside manner, "Oh don't be a crybaby. I'll have my minions run all the tests on you for some ambiguous results to think about. If you're nice, Dr. Hyde will let you stare at Dr Camerashy's figure when she's not looking and won't snitch about it. If you're unplesant he'll blab it all over the hospital." Haus gets up and leaves. The monkey on his back flicks a nutshell at the mime. Later, Dr Buddy jumps out at Haus, this time weilding an axe. "Ha, not so fast, Haus. I won't let you run your tests until you do clinic duty." Haus looks at her dryly, "Yes, nevermind that the patient is DYING." Dr Buddy sneers, "The patient is /not/ dying. Get down there and do an hours clinic duty." She walks off, winning this round as Haus tilts his head to obviously stare at her bottom. Later still, Haus is sitting with a patient in an exam room as the patient drones on and Haus looks suicidally bored. "So anyway, doctor, what do you think it is?" Haus reaches to a drawer and pulls out a bottle of pills. "Here, take all of these and don't call me in the morning." The patient takes the bottle, "All of them? At once?" Haus nods, "Yup, your problem is you're an idiot. Stop wasting my time. It's only a case of sun stroke. Take all of those if you can't handle it and say goodbye to your suffering forever. Otherwise, buck up and wear sun block like everyone else." He exits leaving the patient to look embarrased and shocked. Back to the team who have finished doing the tests by now. Haus walks in having done none of the leg work and says, "Well, I'm waiting you useless little puppets. What have you got. Let me guess. Negatives across the board? Right." He picks up a clipboard. "This the list of everything in Marcel Marceau's house? Great Hmm, boring boring boring irrevelant and boring." He drops the clipboard. "Okay fine, I'll solve this one my self." He walks out leaving the trio looking disgruntled as they start to gripe to eachother. Haus strolls down the hallway and Dr Aftman runs up behind him to catchup. "Dr Haus!" Haus stops and turns around quickly, "Look out, everyone, the proctologist is trying to get me!" Dr Aftman rolls his eyes. "Haus, you know I'm right. Clearly this is a case of constipation." Haus looks bored and sounds sarcastic when he says, "Right, that's why our patient hasn't mentioned irregularity when it'd clearly be an important bit of information." Dr Aftman looks like they're at an impass of opinions and can't say anything more as Haus leaves. Back in his office sitting at his desk, Haus looks thoughtful as he idly grooms a shih tzu with a brush. Dr Spalding pops back in in that causal manner of leaning in the doorframe and knocking. "I hear you can't figure out what's wrong. So, what's wrong?" Haus sets the little dog aside and looks over to his best friend. "I don't know, your wife feels too guilty to talk to me after we get together when you're out." Dr Spalding takes this with dry amusement, "I meant your case, ofcourse. Why are we friends again?" Haus replies, "Cause you're into metal dudes." Dr Spalding nods, "Ah yes, that's right. Well listen, I'm finished for the day. Wanna catch the game later? The Loggers are looking to slip one past the Mounties this year. Should be exciting.... Haus?" Haus has a trance like look on his face, a look of sudden inspiration from that out of nowhere perfectly unrelated bit of conversation. He gets up and wordlessly walks out, leaving behind Dr Spalding who looks dejected in a familiar sort of way. Haus enters the mime patients room trailed by his three flunkies. Dr Camerashy whines, "Will you tell us what is it?" Haus replies, "And miss out on my long winded revalation?" They look defeated and resigned to bear with his antics. Haus turns to the mime and says, "Our patient, a terrible mime teacher and occupationally a plague upon the world. You notice he's still got his makeup on." The mime says, "My name is Francois, and ofcourse I still have my makeup on. They told me you wouldn't heal me unless I kept looking like a mime." Haus nods, "Yes yes, you're already boring enough. You might as well amuse me in some way. Looking stupid seems to be your talent in life." Haus continues, "You are French, yes? Yes, good. Shut up, we can't understand your gobbledygook talk anyway..." Francois stammers, "But..." Haus continues on over him. "My team of burglars invaded your house and found lots of American food in your fridge and cupboards, but in your trash was food from Franceland. You've changed your diet. Ran out of good old home cookin?" Francois stammers in confusion, "Yes, but what does that have to do with..." Haus interrupts again, surprise surprise. "Here in the good ole U.S. of A. we've got sterner tummies. Processed food is delicious. The only reason I didn't think of this before was because of your make up, it hides the palor of your face. Normally, with one look at a face I can diagnose people in a snap. I'm just that awesome. Underneath that makeup I bet you're pale.. well, paler than usual you pastey face chatterbox." Dr Hyde steps forward, "But what the devil does that mean, captain?" Dr Camerashy steps forward and says, "Haus, you're not making any sense and you're insulting the patient. Please be nice. Please please please, oh forget it." Dr Aftman steps forward, "Haus. I think you have an I told you..." Haus interrupts Dr Aftman, "Shush, you. I'm the Alpha male with the big brain. Ladies and gentlemen, AND ALL YOU PEOPLE OUT IN THE HALL!!!! Our mime... is constipated." He takes a bow. Dr Aftman grumpily says, "But I thought you said it's never constipation. I was right all along." Haus looks undefeated as he says, "Yes, but for all the wrong reasons, therefore you were disqualified. I win, you lose. Neener neener neener. Now, get a plunger and unblock our patient's clog. I've got some co-workers to harrass before the game." He strolls out leaving everybody speechless... the monkey busily chattering on a banana phone, maybe to a bookie. Nevermind the team, the writers gave Haus all the best lines anyway. The End appears over a parting shot of Haus's rusty metal bum. Classy television drama.... oh wait the screen goes black and a dedication appears: Dedicated to the loving memory of Cyclonus. 2005 - 2030